"But I'm Suffering in Silence and I'm Ready to Give up!"

Dealing with negative voices?

Feeling suicidal?

Feeling anxious?

Feeling depressed?

Feeling like your life is falling apart?

Feeling afraid?

Feeling condemned?

Feeling like you don't know how to make it?

Feeling like you have to stay strong for everyone else?

Feeling like you have to pour into everyone else but feeling resentful because your needs aren't met?

Feeling heaviness?

Feeling like you are overthinking things?

Feeling paranoia?

Feeling like you have to be superman or superwoman?

Feeling fragile?

Feeling wounded?

Feeling angry?

Tired of hearing "stay strong"? 

Just feeling like checking out?

Feeling like your feelings aren't validated?

Tired of hearing "you got this"?

Feeling triggered triggered lately?

Feeling extra sensitive?

Feeling you should suffer in silence with your mental illness because no one else understands what you are going through and you don't want to be a burden to others?

Feeling like you just want to stop praying?

Feeling unloved? 

Feeling you wish you had it altogether?

Experiencing bitterness?

I know all these feelings all so well and still working through some. I don't want you to feel like I've "arrived" because I haven't. If I can be real with you, the healing process isn't easy. Dealing with mental health issues isn't easy. Most go untreated and self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, excessive shopping and even sex. But I want to encourage you to get treated. Seek professional, do a check-in at a psychiatric care unit if needed, take the medication if needed, attend the therapy sessions regularly and be honest and open with your therapist and even psychiatrist. Get in support groups. Call a trusted friend or family member for extra support and care. 

I know there is a stigma...

But we are reducing it day by day. 

I think the biggest motivation for me right now to not give up on my healing journey and advocate mental health even the more is because my late grandmother whose funeral was this past weekend (08.21.21) was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,  and she didn't give up. She lived until 79 years old and spent most of her life untreated, like most did in her age group back in the day. I watched my grandmother struggle with her mental health and I observed it at a young age but didn't understand. It wasn't until I was diagnosed and my mom shared with me my grandmother experiences with the illness that I had a better understanding of what she was going through. My grandmother had a lot of traumatic experiences in life but lived to see 6 children, 15 grandchildren, and 20 great-grandchildren. That is beyond amazing to me. She is absolutely one of the most strongest woman I've ever known. To lose her mother young and be the last sibling standing after losing all her siblings, all the while pressing through life and being a mom, grandmother, and great grandmother... just amazes me. Like whew... the strength to continue on with her life in spite of tragedy, heartbreak, inner turmoil, and losses! You were definitely a real one, granny! A very strong one! 

So I think to myself, if I give up and take my life, not only the hurt it will cause the ones who truly love me with my presence being gone but all the things I could miss out on and the impact I can make! 

I'm reminded when I feel like all hope is gone that that's the lie from the pit of Hell. That's the enemy job... for his role is a cold-blooded thief.

 John 10:10

New International Version

10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Because yes, my faith has been tested and tried on multiple occasions on many different levels. Yes, I've felt hopeless countless of times. Yes, I felt like Lord, just take me home right now plenty of times! Yes, I used to feel like sleeping in and never waking up. BUT GOD! Now, I feel like waking up each morning and seeing how I can bless someone and make their day feel like it counts. Yes, this walk get weary. Life is full ups and downs and can be unfair.  And to be honest, I'm feeling weary now but I'm leaning on God whose my source of strength. Even while having so many unanswered questions, even while my vision feels blurry and I can't see everything in this season but with tears in my eyes, my HOPE IS IN THE LORD! I'm speaking this to myself and I'm speaking this over you...we can't give up! 

Galatians 6:9 New International Version

9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Like the little girl slid me the note while in the psychiatric care unit at 16 years old that said, "God has a purpose for you while you are here on Earth." I know it may not feel like it but our feelings will literally lie to us and we can't put our trust in them. The heaviness and burden you feel is meant to be carried by God. The highs and lows you experience in life is when God meet us in the valley and He is with us on the mountain top. 

God cares about you...my heart feels heavy for you. Some of you have sown some heavy tears and don't understand what God is doing...but He is with you! I'm with you on this journey of faith. Being stretched and pruned isn't easy. Living in a pandemic where lives are leaving left and right isn't easy. But God said this Earth isn't our home...we have an eternal home. Repent daily and turn your heart towards Him. Don't allow life experiences and people to cause you to become bitter. Let it help you become better and use it as learning tool. I know it's not easy but God will strengthen you. Don't harden your heart against Him. He is what you really need. God is not like people. I'm sorry that you have experienced some hard pain caused by those you loved and the ones in the world. I apologize (if you know me personally or have known me personally) if I showed you a way that made you have a slighted view of who God is and his nature. But I want to let you know humans are frail and are not perfect. They were made from dust and will return to dust. Put your hope in God and grace His people that are learning day by day on how to live through this crazy life. Humans were never meant to take God's place. They will fail you....He will not.  

As I am processing grief and allowing God to order my steps....keep me in your prayers! I would like to finish this race strong and never give up like my late grandmother did. Pray that I will never give up...pray that I will NOT stop blogging my journey with mental health and ministering openly about it. Pray for my strength! Pray that I will live to see God's marvelous works in my life! I'm not sure about having 6 kids, 15 grandchildren, and 20 great grandchildren like my grandma---she had a mini army! lol But whatever God's perfect will is concerning for me to have my own family...I will be happy and content with. 

I am praying for you! You are not alone in this journey...we are in this together!

If you are contemplating suicide and are experiencing suicidal ideation, I want to encourage you to call into the Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. YOUR LIFE MATTERS! YOU HAVE PURPOSE! (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

Until next time,

JESUS  love you and I  love you too!

xo Sheree B

me and my late Grandma Sharon G Grafton 

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional or social worker yet but I am a certified mental health first aider and mental health awareness advocate. I strongly suggest reaching out for professional help and speaking with a psychiatrist and/or therapist of all thoughts of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts.